Bir \u00fcye, ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n ard\u0131ndan \u00f6fkesini kad\u0131nlar\u0131 hedef alan s\u00f6zlerle dile getirdi. Di\u011fer \u00fcyeler itiraz edip kendi ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 anlat\u0131nca tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n y\u00f6n\u00fc de\u011fi\u015fti.<\/p>
19 Kas\u0131m 2002 gecesi \u201cunutgitsin\u201d rumuzlu bir \u00fcyemiz, EminAbi.com\u2019un A\u015fk\/Sevgi b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcnde kad\u0131nlar hakk\u0131nda son derece sert, a\u015fa\u011f\u0131lay\u0131c\u0131 ve genelleyici ifadeler i\u00e7eren bir mesaj yay\u0131mlad\u0131. Ba\u015fl\u0131k ilk h\u00e2liyle \u201cNank\u00f6r Kad\u0131nlar\u201dd\u0131. Kad\u0131nlar\u0131n sevgisine, d\u00fcr\u00fcstl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcne ve evlilikteki rollerine y\u00f6nelik iddialar\u0131n\u0131n aras\u0131nda fiziksel \u015fiddeti normalle\u015ftiren bir s\u00f6z de bulunuyordu. Bu ifadeler, ya\u015fand\u0131klar\u0131 d\u00f6nemin bir belgesi olarak ar\u015fivimizde yer alsa da kabul edilebilir g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fler olarak sunulamaz.<\/p>
\u0130lk bak\u0131\u015fta bir cinsiyeti hedef alan bu metnin arkas\u0131nda ki\u015fisel bir k\u0131r\u0131lma oldu\u011fu, gelen cevaplarla ortaya \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Yazar, be\u015f y\u0131ll\u0131k evlili\u011finin ard\u0131ndan e\u015finin kendisinden ayr\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, iki ayd\u0131r ayr\u0131 ya\u015fad\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 ve bo\u015fanman\u0131n hen\u00fcz ger\u00e7ekle\u015fmedi\u011fini anlatt\u0131. E\u015finin maddi s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131lardan ve ili\u015fkisinden yoruldu\u011funu s\u00f6yledi\u011fini aktar\u0131yordu. Fakat kendisi i\u00e7in as\u0131l y\u0131k\u0131c\u0131 olan, nedenlerin yeterince a\u00e7\u0131klanmam\u0131\u015f olmas\u0131yd\u0131. Bu bilgiler onun anlat\u0131m\u0131d\u0131r; e\u015finin bak\u0131\u015f a\u00e7\u0131s\u0131 forumda yer alm\u0131yor.<\/p>
Almanya\u2019da ya\u015fayan Dilo\u015f, ilk mesaja hemen kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Kad\u0131nlara y\u00f6nelik d\u00fc\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n forumda dile getirilmesine tepki g\u00f6sterdi. Site y\u00f6neticimiz Utopik ise tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n temel ayr\u0131m\u0131n\u0131 yapt\u0131: \u0130yilik, k\u00f6t\u00fcl\u00fck ya da nank\u00f6rl\u00fck kad\u0131nlara veya erkeklere \u00f6zg\u00fc de\u011fildi; ki\u015filerin davran\u0131\u015flar\u0131 \u00fczerinden konu\u015fulmal\u0131yd\u0131. J\u00fclide de yazar\u0131n ac\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fcmsemeden, tek bir ki\u015finin davran\u0131\u015f\u0131n\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn kad\u0131nlara mal edilemeyece\u011fini hat\u0131rlatt\u0131.<\/p>
Sibel\u2019in yan\u0131tlar\u0131 tart\u0131\u015fmay\u0131 ba\u015fka bir y\u00f6ne \u00e7ekti. Bir evlilikte sorunlar\u0131n tek tarafl\u0131 anlat\u0131mdan anla\u015f\u0131lamayaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131, ev i\u00e7i eme\u011fin ve kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131kl\u0131 sayg\u0131n\u0131n sorgulanmas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini savundu. Yazar ise e\u015finin kahvalt\u0131 haz\u0131rlamamas\u0131n\u0131 ve ev i\u015flerine yakla\u015f\u0131m\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6rnek vererek kendisini anlatmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131. B\u00f6ylece konu, ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n nedenlerinden evlilikte kad\u0131n ve erke\u011fe y\u00fcklenen g\u00f6revlere uzand\u0131.<\/p>
Forumun sayfalar\u0131nda uzun s\u00fcre kahvalt\u0131, ev i\u015fi ve ge\u00e7im sorumlulu\u011fu konu\u015fuldu. Bir taraf bu i\u015fleri e\u015fe g\u00f6sterilen \u00f6zenin par\u00e7as\u0131 sayarken, di\u011fer taraf kad\u0131n\u0131n hizmet\u00e7i gibi g\u00f6r\u00fclmesine kar\u015f\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. J\u00fclide, sorumluluklar\u0131n evlili\u011fin ko\u015fullar\u0131na g\u00f6re payla\u015f\u0131lmas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini belirterek iki yakla\u015f\u0131m aras\u0131nda bir denge arad\u0131. Bug\u00fcn okundu\u011funda bu mesajlar, 2002 y\u0131l\u0131nda toplumsal cinsiyet rollerinin nas\u0131l tart\u0131\u015f\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 da g\u00f6steriyor.<\/p>
Ancak tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n en \u00f6nemli taraf\u0131, kahvalt\u0131n\u0131n kendisi de\u011fildi. Yazar\u0131n tekrar tekrar d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc soru \u015fuydu: Y\u0131llar\u0131n\u0131 payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 insan neden art\u0131k onunla ya\u015famak istemiyordu? Bu soruya forumdaki hi\u00e7 kimsenin kesin yan\u0131t vermesi m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fildi. E\u015finin karar\u0131n\u0131, niyetini veya kusurunu yaln\u0131zca tek taraf\u0131n anlat\u0131m\u0131ndan belirlemek de do\u011fru olmazd\u0131.<\/p>
\u201cunknown\u201d ad\u0131yla g\u00f6r\u00fcnen bir kat\u0131l\u0131mc\u0131, d\u00f6rt y\u0131ll\u0131k evlili\u011finin sona erdi\u011fini ve o\u011flundan ayr\u0131 kald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 anlatt\u0131. Eve d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcnde \u00e7ocu\u011funa ait k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck e\u015fyalarla kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131 hat\u0131rl\u0131yordu. Kendi ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 ac\u0131ya ra\u011fmen, bir ayr\u0131l\u0131kta sorumlulu\u011fun tek ki\u015fiye y\u00fcklenemeyece\u011fini d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc s\u00f6yledi. Bu ki\u015fisel anlat\u0131m, tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n dilini de\u011fi\u015ftiren anlardan biriydi: \u0130ki insan\u0131n kayb\u0131n\u0131 k\u0131yaslamak yerine birbirini dinlemek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn h\u00e2le geldi.<\/p>
Yazar, kendisinin \u00e7ocu\u011fu olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 do\u011frulad\u0131; fakat bunun ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 ac\u0131y\u0131 azaltmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 belirtti. Sonraki mesajlar\u0131nda e\u015fine ula\u015fmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, yeniden konu\u015fmak istedi\u011fini, ak\u015famlar\u0131 sessiz eve d\u00f6nd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc ve m\u00fczik dinleyerek vakit ge\u00e7irdi\u011fini yazd\u0131. Payla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u015fark\u0131 s\u00f6zleri ve \u015fiirler, \u00f6fkesinin yan\u0131nda \u00f6zleminin de s\u00fcrd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc g\u00f6steriyordu. Bunlar ayr\u0131l\u0131\u011f\u0131n sonras\u0131na dair ki\u015fisel izlenimlerdi; olay\u0131n b\u00fct\u00fcn nedenlerini a\u00e7\u0131klayan kan\u0131tlar de\u011fildi.<\/p>
Tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n en dikkat \u00e7ekici geli\u015fmesi, \u201cunutgitsin\u201din kendi s\u00f6zlerini yeniden de\u011ferlendirmesiydi. \u00d6nce kad\u0131nlara y\u00f6nelik \u00f6fkesinin ilk g\u00fcnk\u00fc kadar yo\u011fun olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 yazd\u0131. Ard\u0131ndan ba\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131 \u201cNank\u00f6r Kad\u0131nlar\u201ddan \u201cBaz\u0131 Nank\u00f6r Kad\u0131nlar\u201da \u00e7evirdi\u011fini a\u00e7\u0131klad\u0131. \u0130lk giri\u015finin \u00e7ok sert oldu\u011funu kabul ediyor, forumdaki kad\u0131n ve erkek \u00fcyelerin katk\u0131lar\u0131 sayesinde daha mant\u0131kl\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmeye ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6yl\u00fcyordu. \u00c7evresindeki g\u00fc\u00e7l\u00fc ve dayan\u0131\u015fmac\u0131 evlilikleri hat\u0131rlad\u0131k\u00e7a b\u00fct\u00fcn kad\u0131nlar\u0131n ayn\u0131 olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn\u00fc belirtti.<\/p>
Bu de\u011fi\u015fim, a\u00e7\u0131l\u0131\u015f mesaj\u0131ndaki hakaretleri veya \u015fiddeti me\u015frula\u015ft\u0131ran ifadeleri ortadan kald\u0131rmaz. Ama bir insan\u0131n tart\u0131\u015fma s\u0131ras\u0131nda kendi genellemesini daraltabilmesi, ar\u015fivin kayda de\u011fer bir par\u00e7as\u0131d\u0131r. Utopik de geli\u015fmeyi memnuniyetle kar\u015f\u0131layarak forumun amac\u0131n\u0131n tart\u0131\u015fabilmek ve birlikte daha sa\u011fl\u0131kl\u0131 sonu\u00e7lara ula\u015fabilmek oldu\u011funu vurgulad\u0131.<\/p>
Dilo\u015f ve Sibel\u2019in sert itirazlar\u0131, J\u00fclide\u2019nin empati ile ele\u015ftiriyi bir arada tutmas\u0131, Utopik\u2019in ayr\u0131m g\u00f6zetmeyen yakla\u015f\u0131m\u0131 ve ba\u015fka \u00fcyelerin ki\u015fisel deneyimleri ayn\u0131 tart\u0131\u015fmada bulu\u015ftu. Herkes ayn\u0131 fikirde de\u011fildi; hatta konu\u015fma zaman zaman yeniden sertle\u015fti. Yine de ba\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n de\u011fi\u015ftirilmesi, \u00e7evrimi\u00e7i bir kar\u015f\u0131la\u015fman\u0131n yaln\u0131zca kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131kl\u0131 su\u00e7lamayla bitmek zorunda olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6sterdi.<\/p>
Ar\u015fiv, \u00e7iftin daha sonra bar\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 veya bo\u015fand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 do\u011frulam\u0131yor. Bu nedenle hik\u00e2yeyi bir mutlu sonla tamamlam\u0131yoruz. Geriye daha \u00f6nemli bir soru kal\u0131yor: Bir insan\u0131n ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 ger\u00e7ek ac\u0131y\u0131 kabul ederken, o ac\u0131dan do\u011fan haks\u0131z genellemeleri nas\u0131l reddedebiliriz? EminAbi.com\u2019un bu eski tart\u0131\u015fmas\u0131, yan\u0131t\u0131n bazen ayn\u0131 anda hem dinlemekten hem itiraz etmekten ge\u00e7ti\u011fini hat\u0131rlat\u0131yor.<\/p>
FORUM AR\u015e\u0130V\u0130 \u00b7 A\u015fk\/Sevgi \u00b7 \u0130lk mesaj: 19 Kas\u0131m 2002 \u00b7 52 mesaj<\/p>