\u0130svi\u00e7re\u2019de ya\u015fayan bir gen\u00e7, \u0130spanya\u2019da ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131 k\u0131sa bir yak\u0131nla\u015fman\u0131n ard\u0131ndan ne yapmas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini foruma sordu. \u00dcyeler uzun s\u00fcre sadakat, vicdan ve d\u00fcr\u00fcstl\u00fck \u00fczerine konu\u015ftu.<\/p>
10 Ekim 2002\u2019de \u201cYaraliKadir77\u201d ad\u0131yla yazan bir forum kat\u0131l\u0131mc\u0131s\u0131, \u0130svi\u00e7re\u2019de ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ve dil kursu i\u00e7in \u0130spanya\u2019ya gitti\u011fini anlatt\u0131. Ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131 \u0130svi\u00e7re\u2019de kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u0130spanya\u2019da tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131 bir kad\u0131nla k\u0131sa s\u00fcreli bir yak\u0131nla\u015fma ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, ard\u0131ndan ili\u015fkiyi s\u00fcrd\u00fcrmedi\u011fini s\u00f6yledi. Ancak \u00fclkesine ve ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131na d\u00f6nme d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcncesi, beraberinde a\u011f\u0131r bir pi\u015fmanl\u0131k getirmi\u015fti.<\/p>
Ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n sadakat konusunda \u00e7ok hassas oldu\u011funu belirten yazar, yapt\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 anlat\u0131rsa affedilmeyece\u011finden korkuyordu. Onu h\u00e2l\u00e2 sevdi\u011fini, fakat art\u0131k kendisini ona lay\u0131k g\u00f6rmedi\u011fini yazd\u0131. Forumumuza y\u00f6neltti\u011fi soru a\u00e7\u0131kt\u0131: Ger\u00e7e\u011fi s\u00f6ylemeli miydi, yoksa bu olay yaln\u0131zca kendisinin ta\u015f\u0131yaca\u011f\u0131 bir s\u0131r m\u0131 kalmal\u0131yd\u0131?<\/p>
\u0130lk yan\u0131tlar a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131kl\u0131 olarak susmas\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6neriyordu. Timur, ge\u00e7mi\u015fte ya\u015fanm\u0131\u015f her \u015feyin payla\u015f\u0131lmas\u0131n\u0131n gerekmedi\u011fini ima eden k\u0131sa bir hik\u00e2ye anlatt\u0131. \u00c7apk\u0131n, itiraf\u0131n vicdan y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc hafifletebilece\u011fini, fakat ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131yla ili\u015fkisini sona erdirebilece\u011fini hat\u0131rlatt\u0131. Kadir, dede, ela ve ba\u015fka \u00fcyeler de benzer bi\u00e7imde, ya\u015fanan\u0131n tekrarlanmamas\u0131 ko\u015fuluyla saklanmas\u0131n\u0131 savundu.<\/p>
Buna kar\u015f\u0131l\u0131k J\u00fclide\u2019nin yakla\u015f\u0131m\u0131 farkl\u0131yd\u0131: Ki\u015finin kendi ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131ndan ne bekliyorsa ayn\u0131 \u00f6l\u00e7\u00fcy\u00fc kendisine de uygulamas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini s\u00f6yledi. Daha sonra cacharoz, gamzeli, ahmet ve suzy d\u00fcr\u00fcst\u00e7e konu\u015fmay\u0131 savunan g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fler payla\u015ft\u0131. Onlara g\u00f6re evlilik \u00f6ncesinde g\u00fcvenin temelinde ger\u00e7e\u011fi bilmek ve karar verebilmek vard\u0131.<\/p>
Tart\u0131\u015fman\u0131n en dikkat \u00e7ekici katk\u0131lar\u0131ndan biri zeynop\u2019tan geldi. Hollanda\u2019da ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, T\u00fcrkiye\u2019deki partnerinin kendisini aldatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6\u011frendi\u011fini anlatt\u0131. Onu affetmi\u015f ve daha sonra ni\u015fanlanm\u0131\u015flard\u0131; buna ra\u011fmen olay\u0131n hat\u0131ras\u0131 ve yeniden aldat\u0131lma ihtimali zaman zaman akl\u0131ndan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131yordu. Bu anlat\u0131m, \u201citiraf etmek\u201d ile \u201cg\u00fcvenin yeniden kurulmas\u0131\u201dn\u0131n ayn\u0131 \u015fey olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 somutla\u015ft\u0131r\u0131yordu.<\/p>
Baz\u0131 mesajlarda erkekler ve kad\u0131nlar hakk\u0131nda kesin genellemeler, namus anlay\u0131\u015flar\u0131 ve din\u00ee de\u011ferlendirmeler de yer ald\u0131. Bunlar forum \u00fcyelerinin d\u00f6neme ait ki\u015fisel g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fleridir; b\u00fct\u00fcn kad\u0131nlar\u0131n veya erkeklerin ayn\u0131 \u015fekilde tepki verece\u011fini g\u00f6stermez.<\/p>
YaraliKadir77\u2019nin sorusunda iki ayr\u0131 ihtiya\u00e7 i\u00e7 i\u00e7e ge\u00e7iyordu: Kendi vicdan\u0131yla ya\u015fayabilmek ve ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 kaybetmemek. Ger\u00e7e\u011fi a\u00e7\u0131klamak, bir taraf\u0131n y\u00fck\u00fcn\u00fc hafifletirken di\u011ferini derinden incitebilirdi. Gizlemekse ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131n\u0131n ili\u015fki hakk\u0131nda tam bilgiyle karar verme imk\u00e2n\u0131n\u0131 ortadan kald\u0131rabilirdi. Forum \u00fcyeleri tam da bu \u00e7at\u0131\u015fmada farkl\u0131 taraflara a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131k verdi.<\/p>
Ar\u015fivde yazar\u0131n ilk g\u00fcn yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131 k\u0131sa te\u015fekk\u00fcr d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda, daha sonra ne karar verdi\u011fini a\u00e7\u0131klayan bir devam mesaj\u0131 bulunmuyor. Ni\u015fanl\u0131s\u0131na anlatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131, affedildi\u011fini veya ayr\u0131ld\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131 s\u00f6ylemek i\u00e7in elimizde bir dayanak yok.<\/p>
Bu ba\u015fl\u0131k, 2002\u2019de internet forumlar\u0131n\u0131n yaln\u0131zca sohbet edilen yerler olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131; insanlar\u0131n en zor itiraflar\u0131n\u0131 bazen tan\u0131mad\u0131klar\u0131 ki\u015filere a\u00e7abildi\u011fini de g\u00f6steriyor. Yirmi y\u0131l\u0131 a\u015fk\u0131n zaman sonra bile sorusu g\u00fcncelli\u011fini koruyor: Bir ili\u015fkide g\u00fcveni korumak, her \u015feyi anlatmak m\u0131d\u0131r; yoksa as\u0131l belirleyici, bundan sonra nas\u0131l davranaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131z m\u0131d\u0131r?<\/p>
Ar\u015fivimiz bu soruya tek bir yan\u0131t vermiyor. Fakat pi\u015fmanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n tek ba\u015f\u0131na ge\u00e7mi\u015fi de\u011fi\u015ftirmedi\u011fini, sorumlulu\u011fun ise gelecekteki davran\u0131\u015flarda anlam kazand\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 hat\u0131rlat\u0131yor.<\/p>
FORUM AR\u015e\u0130V\u0130 \u00b7 S\u0131r K\u00fcp\u00fc \u00b7 \u0130lk mesaj: 10 Ekim 2002 \u00b7 Son mesaj: 13 Mart 2003 \u00b7 27 mesaj<\/p>